more lies

again, i know i'm supposed to be talking about bomb threats, but someone we all know and love has been arrested, people, and we must discuss.

the smoking gun reports that vince shlomi (yes, that's really his last name) has been arrested for assaulting a prostitute. now, you may not know why you love vince, so i'll tell you . do the words sham and wow mean anything to you? yep, this is the guy that sells sham wow on tv. amaaaaaazing, right? right.

shlomi paid the prostitute $1,000 for "straight sex"--that's 50 terrific sham wow's. i wonder if he used a little sham wow action to clean up the blood...it soaks up anything, you know?

this is your opportunity to make fun of the following:

- shlomi as a last name (so many ways to go with this)

- sham wow

- prostitution

- a fabulous combo of all of the above

breaking promises

i know i said we'd look at bomb threats next, but this is really important.

wtf is this???

Do you know this person?

My coworker has a booklet out on her desk at work. It covers things like fire procedures, what to do during a medical emergency, and how to shelter-in-place. What I find more interesting, though, are the topics on workplace violence, suspicious packages, and bomb threats.

Today, I’ll cover workplace violence. I’m going to give you the characteristics of an individual capable of committing workplace violence, you tell me if you know anybody, anybody at all that demonstrates these traits.

Crisis indicators and warning signs:

• Direct or veiled threats of harm either verbal or written
• Intimidating, belligerent, harassing, bullying, or aggressive behavior
• Insubordination
• Inconsistent/declining performance
• Lack of ambition or dedication
• Decrease in use of personal hygiene
• Declining customer service skills
• Ignoring rules and regulations
• Blaming others for mistakes
• Fascination with weapons/violence or bringing weapons to work

I’d like to point out that at least 7 of these items pertain to almost everyone reading this blog right now. I have your names and numbers and I’m calling the authorities on you.

Stay tuned for our next post...bomb threats!

stupid human tricks

did you ever see stupid human tricks on david letterman? somehow his producers find unusual talents such as the guy who stuffed himself into a duffel bag, the guy who drinks beer through his nose (something i might be more familiar with than i'd ever let on), or the guy who shoots milk out his eye (what?).

whenever dave airs stupid human tricks i become insanely jealous that i don't have one. i mean, i feel like most of these people have had to put themselves into dangerous situations to learn about their tricks (why do you know you can scratch your eyeballs?), but still, i should have some hidden talent, right?

the closest i've come to finding my stupid human trick is being double jointed in the knuckle closest to my hand on my middle finger. i realize this is lame.

what is your stupid human trick? how did you find it? and, can you help me find mine?

l8r sk8r

i'm intrigued by cars with bumper stickers. actually, maybe not so much the cars, but the driving force that causes a person to put a sticker on their car. i mean, that's kind of a big deal, right? 

one day you think it's a good idea to make a political statement, declare your love for corgis, or encourage other drivers to "honk if you like my driving" and the next thing you know global warming isn't real, you hate corgis and now favor the doberman, and you're just tired of being honked at. then what? it's not like you can just peel the sticker off. 

i think what i appreciate most is that bumper stickers give you a tiny glimpse into the psyche of the car's owner. in less than six inches they can express religious or political beliefs, identify hobbies, or tell you what the driver would rather be doing. but regardless of what they say, you always want to look in the driver's window as you pass them--if only to confirm that the driver looks exactly as you thought they would (this never happens, btw).

in a way, i kind of admire people with bumper stickers. imagine feeling so passionately about something that you'd commit real estate on your car for eternity. i feel like committing to marriage is an easier, more realistic proposition.

if you had to put a bumper sticker on your car, what would it say?

play it again, mr dj

as i was reading through your comments on the hey mr dj post, i noticed everyone was relieved that their shuffle hadn't betrayed them and exposed them as emo/celine dion junkies. jimmy was really the only one who came clean with his embarrassing tunes, and i think we should all follow suit.

so here goes, my 5 most embarrassing songs:

• don't worry, be happy, bobby mcferrin (this was for a work thing and it's really not my fault)
• perfection, cher (again, a work thing and i promise i skip it every time it comes up)
• all for love, color me bad (it uuuuuused to be a good song, right???)
• reach, gloria estefan (work, i promise!)
• beer for my horses, toby keith

when you shuffled your music last time, which 5 songs did you most fear showing up?

hey mr. dj

as i've spent the last three weeks visiting local hospitals and learning more about open wounds than any normal human being should know, i haven't really found any inspiring topics to blog about. in an effort to rectify my latency and abandonment of you, i've devised yet another game for us.

here's how it works:

1. go to your favorite music storage device be it an ipod, songsyouusedtolove, or squirreled away music on your hard drive (note, you must be able to shuffle songs to play by the rules)
   
2. clear the cache so you are starting with all your saved music options
3. shuffle everything
4. list the first 5 songs that come up, no matter how embarrassing they are (yes, drover, that means you even if you didn't load them on your device). the only catch here is if you have unnamed music in your stored music (who has this other than drover? you're weird, just like him.), then you can advance to the next song.

alright, here i go:

1. Narrow Stairs, Deathcab for Cutie--an excellent pull!
2. Don't Stop Believin', ??--okay, so i'll admit that this is on my ipod as workout music. it's a back track, if you must know.
3. Shock 'n Y'all, Toby Keith--embarrassing. also, i'll say i don't know the words, so i should get a reprieve for that.
4. Twice the Speed of Light, Sugarland--say what you will, but i like sugarland and i like country music!
5. Big City, Merle Haggard--so, this was for a work thing, but my parents' first date was at a merle concert, so i don't feel so bad.

alright, kids, there it is. i lucked out (at least i think so). now it's your turn. don't hold back and no lying about which songs come up! you have to take your first shuffle (i'm watching you, drover)!

ah, snow day memories...

my most vivid snow day memory is from 6th grade. my parents were on a 2-week boondoggle in africa and switzerland (that's right, ethel. everyone's been there but you.) and i was staying with my friend when a for-real blizzard, not this maryland nonsense, hit us. 

her mom ended up staying home with us but desperately wanted us to go outside and play. so much so that she chased us around the house with a dish towel and butcher knife. yep, butcher knife. i was never so scared and scooted myself right outside. my friend put up more of a fight, but didn't get stabbed. (i realize this story would be better if she had been stabbed and i'm sorry about that.)

what's your best snow day memory? or, feel free to one up me with a stab story of your own...