bringin' it back

you know what we don't have enough of? cliches and other stupid sayings.

to rectify this situation, and to further my commitment to reducing, reusing, and recycling, i'm going to start bringing back some oldies but goodies.

my first task is to say "that's the bees knees" at least twice a day. as in, "yum, that pizza is the bee's knees."

other popular sayings to consider:

- cat's pajamas

- snake's hips

- hit me baby one more time

- that's so raven

- global warming

- that's huuuuuuuuuuge

what sayings do you want to see make a come back?

alright already!

you've been clamoring for a new post (i realize i've neglected you, and for that, i'm sorry), so here goes, but you're not gonna like it (and i'm totally ok with that).

i recently dedicated an entire week of my life to reading the twilight series of books--nearly 3,000 pages for those of you keeping track at home. as you know, the series is about a coven (family) of vampires, plus there are some werewolves and humans. the books got me thinking: would i could choose, would it be vampire or werewolf?

some facts on which i based my decision--you'll want to pay attention here because your participation, as always, will be required.

vampires:

• live forever
• never age from the day they are "changed"
• never sleep
• glitter in the sun
• are very sexual beings
• have special powers
• can't fly, but run really fast

werewolves:

• best friend material
• get to go back to being human
• age
• sleep
• can hear other pack members' thoughts

so i ask you, friends, would you rather be a vampire or werewolf?

obviously, i'm going to choose vampire. the thought of living forever and never sleeping are enough to push me right over the edge. couple that with global warming, britney spears and her replacement and her replacement and so on for eternity, and my general malaise for human blood, and you can see why i'm all about the wolves.

what if?

what if my mom had named me tiffany? i'd definitely have long, blonde, crinkly hair--you know the kind with too much gel in it. and i'd have bangs and they'd be big. i'd also be wider, i think and people would call me tiff and i'd want to fight them. i think my IQ would be at least 50 points lower and i'd hate myself for it.

yep, i'm glad i'm not tiffany.

the thing is, i was never going to be a tiffany. she wanted to name me pamela jean (i realize this is worse, but for some reason the idea of tiffany being my name horrifies me) and call me PJ.

who would you be if you had a different name?

headline game!!!

as we did with the squirrels...i'll give you a photo, you give me a headline.

here goes...

"when good grass goes bad"

more lies

again, i know i'm supposed to be talking about bomb threats, but someone we all know and love has been arrested, people, and we must discuss.

the smoking gun reports that vince shlomi (yes, that's really his last name) has been arrested for assaulting a prostitute. now, you may not know why you love vince, so i'll tell you . do the words sham and wow mean anything to you? yep, this is the guy that sells sham wow on tv. amaaaaaazing, right? right.

shlomi paid the prostitute $1,000 for "straight sex"--that's 50 terrific sham wow's. i wonder if he used a little sham wow action to clean up the blood...it soaks up anything, you know?

this is your opportunity to make fun of the following:

- shlomi as a last name (so many ways to go with this)

- sham wow

- prostitution

- a fabulous combo of all of the above

breaking promises

i know i said we'd look at bomb threats next, but this is really important.

wtf is this???

Do you know this person?

My coworker has a booklet out on her desk at work. It covers things like fire procedures, what to do during a medical emergency, and how to shelter-in-place. What I find more interesting, though, are the topics on workplace violence, suspicious packages, and bomb threats.

Today, I’ll cover workplace violence. I’m going to give you the characteristics of an individual capable of committing workplace violence, you tell me if you know anybody, anybody at all that demonstrates these traits.

Crisis indicators and warning signs:

• Direct or veiled threats of harm either verbal or written
• Intimidating, belligerent, harassing, bullying, or aggressive behavior
• Insubordination
• Inconsistent/declining performance
• Lack of ambition or dedication
• Decrease in use of personal hygiene
• Declining customer service skills
• Ignoring rules and regulations
• Blaming others for mistakes
• Fascination with weapons/violence or bringing weapons to work

I’d like to point out that at least 7 of these items pertain to almost everyone reading this blog right now. I have your names and numbers and I’m calling the authorities on you.

Stay tuned for our next post...bomb threats!