bringin' it back

you know what we don't have enough of? cliches and other stupid sayings.

to rectify this situation, and to further my commitment to reducing, reusing, and recycling, i'm going to start bringing back some oldies but goodies.

my first task is to say "that's the bees knees" at least twice a day. as in, "yum, that pizza is the bee's knees."

other popular sayings to consider:

- cat's pajamas

- snake's hips

- hit me baby one more time

- that's so raven

- global warming

- that's huuuuuuuuuuge

what sayings do you want to see make a come back?

alright already!

you've been clamoring for a new post (i realize i've neglected you, and for that, i'm sorry), so here goes, but you're not gonna like it (and i'm totally ok with that).

i recently dedicated an entire week of my life to reading the twilight series of books--nearly 3,000 pages for those of you keeping track at home. as you know, the series is about a coven (family) of vampires, plus there are some werewolves and humans. the books got me thinking: would i could choose, would it be vampire or werewolf?

some facts on which i based my decision--you'll want to pay attention here because your participation, as always, will be required.

vampires:

• live forever
• never age from the day they are "changed"
• never sleep
• glitter in the sun
• are very sexual beings
• have special powers
• can't fly, but run really fast

werewolves:

• best friend material
• get to go back to being human
• age
• sleep
• can hear other pack members' thoughts

so i ask you, friends, would you rather be a vampire or werewolf?

obviously, i'm going to choose vampire. the thought of living forever and never sleeping are enough to push me right over the edge. couple that with global warming, britney spears and her replacement and her replacement and so on for eternity, and my general malaise for human blood, and you can see why i'm all about the wolves.

what if?

what if my mom had named me tiffany? i'd definitely have long, blonde, crinkly hair--you know the kind with too much gel in it. and i'd have bangs and they'd be big. i'd also be wider, i think and people would call me tiff and i'd want to fight them. i think my IQ would be at least 50 points lower and i'd hate myself for it.

yep, i'm glad i'm not tiffany.

the thing is, i was never going to be a tiffany. she wanted to name me pamela jean (i realize this is worse, but for some reason the idea of tiffany being my name horrifies me) and call me PJ.

who would you be if you had a different name?

headline game!!!

as we did with the squirrels...i'll give you a photo, you give me a headline.

here goes...

"when good grass goes bad"

more lies

again, i know i'm supposed to be talking about bomb threats, but someone we all know and love has been arrested, people, and we must discuss.

the smoking gun reports that vince shlomi (yes, that's really his last name) has been arrested for assaulting a prostitute. now, you may not know why you love vince, so i'll tell you . do the words sham and wow mean anything to you? yep, this is the guy that sells sham wow on tv. amaaaaaazing, right? right.

shlomi paid the prostitute $1,000 for "straight sex"--that's 50 terrific sham wow's. i wonder if he used a little sham wow action to clean up the blood...it soaks up anything, you know?

this is your opportunity to make fun of the following:

- shlomi as a last name (so many ways to go with this)

- sham wow

- prostitution

- a fabulous combo of all of the above

breaking promises

i know i said we'd look at bomb threats next, but this is really important.

wtf is this???

Do you know this person?

My coworker has a booklet out on her desk at work. It covers things like fire procedures, what to do during a medical emergency, and how to shelter-in-place. What I find more interesting, though, are the topics on workplace violence, suspicious packages, and bomb threats.

Today, I’ll cover workplace violence. I’m going to give you the characteristics of an individual capable of committing workplace violence, you tell me if you know anybody, anybody at all that demonstrates these traits.

Crisis indicators and warning signs:

• Direct or veiled threats of harm either verbal or written
• Intimidating, belligerent, harassing, bullying, or aggressive behavior
• Insubordination
• Inconsistent/declining performance
• Lack of ambition or dedication
• Decrease in use of personal hygiene
• Declining customer service skills
• Ignoring rules and regulations
• Blaming others for mistakes
• Fascination with weapons/violence or bringing weapons to work

I’d like to point out that at least 7 of these items pertain to almost everyone reading this blog right now. I have your names and numbers and I’m calling the authorities on you.

Stay tuned for our next post...bomb threats!

stupid human tricks

did you ever see stupid human tricks on david letterman? somehow his producers find unusual talents such as the guy who stuffed himself into a duffel bag, the guy who drinks beer through his nose (something i might be more familiar with than i'd ever let on), or the guy who shoots milk out his eye (what?).

whenever dave airs stupid human tricks i become insanely jealous that i don't have one. i mean, i feel like most of these people have had to put themselves into dangerous situations to learn about their tricks (why do you know you can scratch your eyeballs?), but still, i should have some hidden talent, right?

the closest i've come to finding my stupid human trick is being double jointed in the knuckle closest to my hand on my middle finger. i realize this is lame.

what is your stupid human trick? how did you find it? and, can you help me find mine?

l8r sk8r

i'm intrigued by cars with bumper stickers. actually, maybe not so much the cars, but the driving force that causes a person to put a sticker on their car. i mean, that's kind of a big deal, right? 

one day you think it's a good idea to make a political statement, declare your love for corgis, or encourage other drivers to "honk if you like my driving" and the next thing you know global warming isn't real, you hate corgis and now favor the doberman, and you're just tired of being honked at. then what? it's not like you can just peel the sticker off. 

i think what i appreciate most is that bumper stickers give you a tiny glimpse into the psyche of the car's owner. in less than six inches they can express religious or political beliefs, identify hobbies, or tell you what the driver would rather be doing. but regardless of what they say, you always want to look in the driver's window as you pass them--if only to confirm that the driver looks exactly as you thought they would (this never happens, btw).

in a way, i kind of admire people with bumper stickers. imagine feeling so passionately about something that you'd commit real estate on your car for eternity. i feel like committing to marriage is an easier, more realistic proposition.

if you had to put a bumper sticker on your car, what would it say?

play it again, mr dj

as i was reading through your comments on the hey mr dj post, i noticed everyone was relieved that their shuffle hadn't betrayed them and exposed them as emo/celine dion junkies. jimmy was really the only one who came clean with his embarrassing tunes, and i think we should all follow suit.

so here goes, my 5 most embarrassing songs:

• don't worry, be happy, bobby mcferrin (this was for a work thing and it's really not my fault)
• perfection, cher (again, a work thing and i promise i skip it every time it comes up)
• all for love, color me bad (it uuuuuused to be a good song, right???)
• reach, gloria estefan (work, i promise!)
• beer for my horses, toby keith

when you shuffled your music last time, which 5 songs did you most fear showing up?

hey mr. dj

as i've spent the last three weeks visiting local hospitals and learning more about open wounds than any normal human being should know, i haven't really found any inspiring topics to blog about. in an effort to rectify my latency and abandonment of you, i've devised yet another game for us.

here's how it works:

1. go to your favorite music storage device be it an ipod, songsyouusedtolove, or squirreled away music on your hard drive (note, you must be able to shuffle songs to play by the rules)
   
2. clear the cache so you are starting with all your saved music options
3. shuffle everything
4. list the first 5 songs that come up, no matter how embarrassing they are (yes, drover, that means you even if you didn't load them on your device). the only catch here is if you have unnamed music in your stored music (who has this other than drover? you're weird, just like him.), then you can advance to the next song.

alright, here i go:

1. Narrow Stairs, Deathcab for Cutie--an excellent pull!
2. Don't Stop Believin', ??--okay, so i'll admit that this is on my ipod as workout music. it's a back track, if you must know.
3. Shock 'n Y'all, Toby Keith--embarrassing. also, i'll say i don't know the words, so i should get a reprieve for that.
4. Twice the Speed of Light, Sugarland--say what you will, but i like sugarland and i like country music!
5. Big City, Merle Haggard--so, this was for a work thing, but my parents' first date was at a merle concert, so i don't feel so bad.

alright, kids, there it is. i lucked out (at least i think so). now it's your turn. don't hold back and no lying about which songs come up! you have to take your first shuffle (i'm watching you, drover)!

ah, snow day memories...

my most vivid snow day memory is from 6th grade. my parents were on a 2-week boondoggle in africa and switzerland (that's right, ethel. everyone's been there but you.) and i was staying with my friend when a for-real blizzard, not this maryland nonsense, hit us. 

her mom ended up staying home with us but desperately wanted us to go outside and play. so much so that she chased us around the house with a dish towel and butcher knife. yep, butcher knife. i was never so scared and scooted myself right outside. my friend put up more of a fight, but didn't get stabbed. (i realize this story would be better if she had been stabbed and i'm sorry about that.)

what's your best snow day memory? or, feel free to one up me with a stab story of your own...

neglect, but a new game, too

i've neglected you. i'm sorry. i'll try not to let it happen again.

i think to get back in the groove, we'll play another game. i'll post a picture. you give me a headline.

"viva la hairy frenchie"

hospital time

as you may know, my husband checked into the emergency room around 3am yesterday. his appendix ruptured and he needed surgery to get the infected appendix out and to clean up his abdomen--this procedure didn't happen until 6:15pm yesterday...this is something i like to call "hospital time." see, hospitals don't operate on normal people time..."they're taking him up in a few minutes" could be anywhere from 2 minutes (actually a few minutes) to 6 hours (not a few minutes. in fact, this is more than a few hours).

so, i've been thinking about what the hospital time equation might look like. i think it goes something like this:

size of doctor's ego (always huge) + pain^2 X actual time elapsed = hospital time

the surgery went well and we'll be going home in a few days. hospital time will continue to occur (like today when the doctor was coming in the morning...no, check that he's coming at 4...no, wait, he showed up at 5:30, took a call in the middle of the consult, cracked inapprop jokes and left).

have you ever had to live on hospital time? and how does one get back to miller time?

more reasons to love g-funk

this is an actual recount of a conversation i just had with my grandmother (who i love dearly)...

g-funk: have you seen the movie bucket list?

me: yes, it was better than i thought it would be.

g-funk: do you remember the best line in the movie?

me: no. what was it?

g-funk: it's when jack nicholson says to the nerdy guy with the glasses: "never pass up a restroom; never pass on a hard on; and never trust a fart."

who wouldn't love her?

road rage playlist

on your average workday morning (excluding friday's), i listen to the always funny howard stern show on my way to the office. some mornings, however, when traffic is bad or i'm over it before the day has started, i like to rock out to road rage music. you know the kind...when you turn the radio up loud and scream/shout the lyrics at the back end of the car in front of you. on mornings like this you don't care if the schmo in the car next to you sees you boppin' your heart out.

here's a sample of three songs from my road rage playlist:

1. so what, pink (this, at least for now, may also be my theme song)

2. billy jean, mj (who doesn't love a little billy? the kid is not my son)

3. walkin' in memphis, marc cohn (heart memphis!)

what's on your road rage playlist?

grade A bs

hog drover [8:56 AM]:
oh english degree holder, why does the word "pretty" double as a comment about looks and then as a description of intensity (i am pretty hungry).

hog drover [8:56 AM]:
explain these things to me

jeni reni [8:57 AM]:
pretty as in looks means better than average

jeni reni [8:57 AM]:
pretty as in fairly means the same

jeni reni [8:57 AM]:
b/c fair also means pretty

jeni reni [8:57 AM]:
see?

hog drover [8:58 AM]:
that is grade A bs. i'm impressed

invent destiny

have you noticed all the name/word games going on lately, especially on facebook? i hate all these notes people are writing. the most recent one i got was "the name note." essentially you identify your real name, then using a combination of your name, street names, and your parents' names, you come up with your porn star name, your street name, etc. ridiculous.

i'd like to introduce you to vincent dooly. he invented birds. yep. birds. when he scrambles his first and middle names, he comes up with invent destiny. because of this, he wants to be an inventor. awesome.

when i scramble my first and middle names, i get finnejer line. weird.

the dog poop, ctrl + z correlation

well, here it is...my second post about dog poop in under two months. (i'm starting to suspect that even though i just scored genius on the brain game, i may not be smart enough to walk my own dog.)

it's a great day here on the east coast...55 degrees and sunny--doesn't get much better for a saturday in february. K and i alighted on our morning walk and we decided on one of our alternate routes, which bypasses his favorite poop spot (i should know better, right?) and takes us past more houses than businesses.

wait, let me back up here...i always take two bags with me because once or twice he decided he needed to go more than once and i was left embarrassed with no pick-up mechanism. so, before we left i dutifully put two bags in my hoodie pocket.

ok, back to the walk. we're cruising right along and he decides it's time. i'm down, right? i have my bags...or do i? no, i don't! omg, where tf are they??? this is exactly what i ask him. he just flings his back legs in the air in response. omg. mortified. what do i do? RUN!!!

yep, kids. i left it. and i'm feeling horribly guilty. AND, ethel, don't think it hasn't already occurred to me that not only did i not clean up after my dog, but i sent two plastic bags into the great outdoors. i can only imagine where they are. they've probably killed 28 birds, a mouse, and suffocated the neighborhood cat.

i'm a bad person

.

wtf? no, seriously...wtf?

i know it's aggress to post 2 in a row...but what is this? seriously.

jimmy, you're the expert. why don't you tell us what's going on here.

if i only had a [growing] brain!

jimmy the hog drover, argyle, and maybe a few others were discussing my life as a robot the other night at happy hour. we joked about how my obsession with c-sucker and my parking space has to do with "powering down" at the end of the night (according to them i don't even get out of my car, i just put my chin on my chest and go to sleep when i hit my parking spot--you can imagine the frustration i must feel when c-sucker's in my recharging spot).

as a high-functioning robot slash autistic, it's important that i keep up with robot news. this week they announced a new robot in the UK that has a brain that grows. they hope the robot will follow a similar evolutionary path as humans and become smarter over time. 

soon us robots won't need recharging spots and our takeover of the human race will be complete. be scared, hog drover, my kind are taking over and your little vampire tricks won't be enough to stop your demise!

shamelessly stolen

as you may know, i follow a blog called "just putting it out there"...i don't know the person that writes the blog, but i find her hilarious.

today, she posted a Newsweek video that spoofs The City, a show that follows Whitney in NYC. (for more info on this, see hop).

watch and enjoy.

how much is that kitty in the window?

i feel like we should discuss what is going on in this picture...ok, hop is making me discuss this, but i'm happy to oblige...

this is a picture of exactly what you think it is...a cat in the back of a car...

here's what you may not know about the cat: first, he's stuffed (ok, maybe that one's obvi); second, he doesn't have legs or a face (weird...who wants a stuffed cat with no face?); third, somebody obviously intentionally put this in their car.

so, i know you've asked for fewer questions in my blog, but i have a few anyway:

1. be honest. is this your car? if yes, why? if no, stop lying.

2. how many live cats live in the home of the car's driver?

3. should jimmy the hog drover, who is as equally committed to his herd as this person, also have a stuffed, faceless, legless hog in his car? (the answer here is a resounding yes.)

4. (this one's for hop) what do you think the driver's house smells like?

i'll go first.

1a. no, this is not my car. i can't help lying about it...i'm embarrassed

2a. 160. no question.

3a. again, a resounding yes.

4a. i'm going to go with pistachios and raid.

what is it?

let's start a new game. i'll post a picture of something random and give you the location and my best guess as to what the object is. then you take a guess at what it might be.

here's our first pic:

this was found outside of 750 e pratt in downtown baltimore earlier this week.

i suspect this is probably a key piece of infrastucture for the substation located underneath the building. the foam circles are probably the only thing keeping us from dying of radiation.

happy friday!

c-sucker

let me bring you up to speed on my neighbor...a man i like to call c-sucker. he lives across the street from me and continually parks in front of my house. now, the man has a functioning driveway in front of his house, so why, you might ask, does he feel compelled to park in front of my house?

the short answer is, i don't know. the long (and more enjoyable) answer is that he has ocd and he's made a habit out of it. (if you know anyone with ocd like this, it's great fun to shout "hi!" at them in the middle of their ritual and watch them start all over again, just fyi.)

since the last snow (what, a week ago?), he has parked his car and his wife's car in front of my house-taking up our parking spaces. jackass, right? right.

last night he wasn't home when i got back from the gym so i parked in the middle of 2 spaces and he had to park halfway down the street. victory is mine!

alas, tonight i didn't beat him home and he's, once again, in front of my house. we're considering using his driveway since he doesn't seem to want to.

ok, so where is this meandering post leading? i've decided i'd like to challenge c-sucker to a duel, if you will. i want to arm wrestle him for the parking spot (thanks to edrick for this idea). (c-suckers's an old man and i'll totally dominate him.)

who do you want to arm wrestle? the person can be real or imagined, alive or dead. go!

horrific

i'm not going to lie to you. i watched something last night that i wish i could ctrl + z right out of my life. the duggar family wedding. horrific.

let me catch you up on the duggar's. they're a family of like 20 from arkansas. they heart god big time. so the oldest son (20) is going to get married, after i think only seeing "his bride" all of four times in person. fine. arranged marriages are good. whatever.

this is what gets me: the first time they are going to kiss is at their wedding. can you imagine having your first kiss in front of all those people? dude tried to do some weird french kiss thing. i was uncomf to say the least.

just before the wedding, the dad gives his son a book and some sort of dvd/cd thing on being a good husband and tries to teach him about "the birds and the bees." most awkward conversation of that kid's life, right?

wrong, in his bio says he "was constanty tempted to have lots of wrong thoughts" but "if he was willing to share honestly & openly with his parents" he was somehow cleared of these "wrong thoughts."

how do you think that conversation went? and what are the chances that he didn't kill anybody with all that pent up frustration?

watch the show. guaranteed nightmares.

ummm...

...that's the name of the movie they're making about my life (don't ask who "they" are or why a movie is being made). but since the movie is being made, i thought i should consider who they should cast as the leading lady. drew barrymore, right? it's so obvious.

top 5 scenes (some of these may be slightly ficticious):

• no. 5: it's kindegarten. i have a crush on roger semen (played by brad pitt, obvi). my dad (harrison ford in his indiana jones days) talks about him non-stop. why?
• no. 4: i'm 12 and run a 4.4 40 (fastest child alive--it's been hard to live down. i've done all the major talk shows. no big deal.)
• no. 3: as a mature 16 year old, i become the founder of the gorgeous ladies of wrestling (you know you watched)
• no. 2: a few years ago A finds out about the mind meld. she remains scared of it to this day. i secretly, alright openly, love it.
• no. 1: current day. i take over the world. muahahaha

who would play you in the movie of your life? any top scenes come to mind?

jimmy who?

let me introduce you to "jimmy the pig drover." that's him in the front--the man carrying the red pig. much like the pied piper, jimmy leads his drove (that's a herd) of pigs into battle.


unfortunately, jimmy the pig drover is also the butcher. poor piggies.

so here's a question for you...

which animal do you consider the preppiest?

things to consider:

• does this animal have the right hair? friends? clothes?
• how does this animal look in a blazer? seer sucker? madras shorts?
• is this animal wealthy? does he row crew or sail? does he have more than one house?

animals that have already been discussed:

• penguins are the most formal animal, therefore penguin is not the right answer
• giraffe--good hair, looks down on people, only hangs with their own kind; is he too much of a loner though?
• male african lion--better hair, would totally rock a blazer; is he really a prepster or a bad ass though?

so, let's hear it. what is the preppiest animal? go!

eek! my first post

well, here it is...my first blog post (as myself anyway). i'm excited to use this forum to discuss things that i wish could be undone as easily as ctrl + z.

let's examine what these might look like:

• saying/doing something insanely stupid
• a tragic ensemble
• george bush (ok, that's mean, but seriously)
• global warming
• other terrific ideas i/you come up with

while i haven't been able to identify a great "edit > undo" for today, i'll focus my first ctrl + z on an embarrassing/tragic event from yesterday.

it was a freezing cold day on the east coast and i was lucky enough to be working from home. i took this delightful opportunity to walk my dog late in the afternoon. as i usually do, i bundled up with hat, scarf, mittens...the whole 9. K turned circles in his usual "poop spot" and i prepared to clean up with a plastic bag. please note that in most instances i remove mittens prior to clean up duty. not so yesterday. i decided i was talented enough to keep the mitten on for clean up. as my friend "jimmy" will attest, life in a mitten is not easy. he's right.

as i went to turn the bag inside out, i got poop on the mitten. gross. seriously.

let this be a lesson to all of you. life in mittens is hard...and smelly.